I'm sorry.

For several years now I haven't been feeling at all myself, although more recently due to a certain incident with one of the closest friends I have ever had in my life... He was and shall only ever be the person who knew everything about me, my secrets, my worries, my private life.
I say "was" because about a year ago I lost him, due to circumstances I do not know. Now, I'm not hoping for many of you to understand because this person wasn't exactly somebody whom I could see in real life, someone I could physically hug. But, they gave me something I have never had before, a bond stronger than anyone I have ever known since my existance on this planet... They gave me hope for when things went wrong, supported me when I was panicing about school, listened to me when I had nobody else to turn to and comforted me when I'd had a bad day. This person was the John to my Sherlock, the Pigeon to the bread, the Yin to my Yang. They were my best friend.
But that was all...

I feel bad, like really shitty because, now, I realise the person who I was dating didn't treat me the way I'd wanted, no respect, never listened, never kept their promices, took but never gave, always used me... Or as my friend said "He treats you bad"...I should've left them and went to my friend whom I loved dearly...They should've been more... I now realise that they were my soul mate, but now, it's too late...

I guess I was just scared of loosing the only person who's ever asked me out, who likes the same things as I did, rather than someone who treated me with respect and care and always listened to me. I guess I'm scared now to tell them this too...
The day they 'dumped me', dropped me like a bit of soggy bread onto the harsh, cold floor of loneliness, I realised that I had done so much for them and they just took, took, took... Not only that but I realised... My best friend was gone... There is nothing I can ever do to get them back and now I can't even tell them how sorry I am... To beg and plead the contents of my soul out onto the floor beneath my feet.

This is possibly due to the reason for why I "never smile" or why I'm always down. It's because I can't treat the ones who love me correctly, those who I hold close should be the ones I keep hold of and not those who treat me poorly. Why do I never trust my instincts WHEN will I learn?
I am not happy, nor shall I ever be because my friend is gone. And it's my fault...
I'm not asking for sympathy here, just acknowlagement.